Ben Howard

current favorite artist. absolutely stunningly beautiful.

fear not

"i look out the window, the birds are composing
not a note is out of tune or out of place
i walk to the meadow, and stare at the flowers,
better dressed than any girl on her wedding day
so why do i worry? why do i freak out? God knows what i need."

-your love is strong by jon foreman

what if i actually took this to heart everyday?

what if every time i was afraid, i sang this song?

i am so afraid. i am so human.

what if i lose all my hair?

what if i look ugly to everyone around me?

these are the questions that course through my mind everyday.

these are the thoughts that i think when i sit back and analyze what i am questioning:

1)how selfish

2)it says in the bible:

"i look up to the mountains; does my strength come from the mountains? no, my strength comes from God, who made heaven, and earth, and mountains." psalm 121:1-2

how could i forget this?

please, if you are reading this, don't let yourself get to a place where you forget the truth that even if you lose all you own, all you know, all you are, you will NOT lose the love of the one who is all you need.

human-ness is nothing in the light of who Jesus Christ is.

do not be afraid.

"Light, space, zest— that's God! So, with him on my side I'm fearless, afraid of no one and nothing." Psalm 27 (MSG)

 

 

the weekly shave

currently, this is how i feel about buzzing my head. happiness : )

home

click the play button please


today, i went with my youth group to go prepare and serve hot food for the homeless under the freeway in downtown Seattle. i had to wake up early, brave the cold, and spend the entire day on my feet (wow, go me). as i looked into the eyes of each human that walked through the line, greeting them with a timid but as friendly as possible "hi, how are you? would you like some chicken pot pie?" i got hit, i mean hit, with Jesus telling me "these are Mine, these are My people, I hold them". i've volunteered at a homeless shelter before, but i'd never honestly taken the time to wonder about stories, look in their eyes, pay attention to God's identity for them. they are His like i am His, like you are His.

i shivered in the cold and thought about shivering with the knowledge that i would keep shivering. i thought about knowing i wouldn't get to go eat at Red Robin afterwards or knowing i wouldn't get to go home afterwards. i couldn't fathom it. i couldn't fathom those cold nights with absolutely no food in my belly or warmth in my heart, never mind my body.

yet, tomorrow we reflect on the day that Christ went to the cross. i can almost audibly hear His voice echoing through the space below the freeway. i can see it shaking the homeless, and all the rest, the heartless, the broken, i can see it physically shaking the ground, causing forks to drop from hands and eyes to turn up from warm food. i can hear Him commanding to our human hearts "you are MINE". and that is what happened when He spread out His arms and hung from a tree. we are not homeless, not any of us, we are not broken, not in the light of His love. 


i can imagine laying out my blanket on the cold ground for the night, and falling down into a heap on the ground. i can imagine closing my eyes, curling up, letting the cold take over my body, and then i can imagine a sudden pang in my soul. just where i last felt emptiness, i can imagine the voice of Jesus telling me that i am His.
and we don't have to imagine it.
listen.



in a cold world, where homelessness is real, where brokenness is common, where pain is the daily deal, "we can know what love is because Jesus Christ gave his life for us." (1 John 3:16)


at the foot of the cross
we
find
home.

this is my truth

"It is always upon human weakness and humiliation, not human strength and confidence, that God chooses to build His Kingdom; and that He can use us not merely in spite of our ordinariness and helplessness and disqualifying infirmities, but precisely because of them." -Scottish Preacher James Stewart

just a little peek into the adventure of shaving!

these people are a giant piece of my support system and i cannot express how thankful i am for them.

~

He makes beautiful things out of us.

You make beautiful things out of us

PRE BALDNESS:
it's sure been a while since i really wrote anything on here. remember the post that said "wow, life has been hitting me hard recently"? well, that is so unbelievably true. but you know what's more true? Jesus. He is the essence of truth. He is the essence of love. and His love hits like a hurricane. and that love is more powerful than any life situation that could ever hit me. "so why should i worry? why do i freak out? God knows what i need."
i was diagnosed with Alopecia Areata 6 months ago. its a weird disorder that causes one to randomly start losing their hair. in my case, it seemed as though their was more of an internal cause than just the Alopecia, so i've spent a lot more time than i'm used to at doctor's appointments, and trying to rest and get better, and rubbing weird substances on my head than i ever have. and for the majority of these past 6 months, it's been very easy to hide all the bald spots, but now it's extremely difficult, so i wear hats. but i am tired of hiding, because i hate hiding anything that could be out in the open. so i am shaving my head tomorrow. and this has been one of the most treacherous and difficult journeys of my life, but i KNOW, I KNOW, that God is sovereign and has an amazing purpose behind this. because that's who He is. i will NOT ask why. i will trust and i will "rock the dome" because that is what God has called me to. and not only has He called me to walk this with Him holding my hands, but for every tear i've cried, He has showered me with ten times the amount of love. i am THANKFUL for my Alopecia. i realized the truth of that statement last night, when i was reading through my thankful journal, all i could do was smile remembering all of the amazing acts of love people in my life have shown towards me. i could be so much more sick, i could be bed ridden, i could lose the loss of my limbs, my speech, anything, even my life, yet i am losing my hair. i don't need my hair! i will not be disabled by the loss of my hair, although i do admit that i wish it would grow back. i am thankful that i get to learn how to be wise, and i have the best teacher ever. and i am thankful that Jesus is MY God. i get to know Him. i get to walk this with Him. i get to see how weak i am everyday when i look in the mirror and realize i cannot do a single thing to fix the situation i'm in. and it is the BEST place to be. i wouldn't change this. and only Jesus can take it and make it into something beautiful. and He will. because that's just what He does. He already has made me better.


POST BALDNESS:
so i'm bald! its official! hehe. its been quite the emotional two days. its still weird to look in the mirror, i don't really like it. but i like looking at how i've changed inside. i am better than i was yesterday, and better than the day before that, and the one before that one. Jesus makes beautiful things out of us even when we are not the most beautiful thing to the world's eye. i am blessed to go to a wonderful school where people have not made fun of me or laughed, but just loved me and supported me. i love it when i get asked questions and people make comments, because then the elephant has been removed from the room! i love the fact that it takes two seconds to wash "my hair". i love the way the wind feels. i love feeling the cold, feeling alive. i love that i can't hide anymore. i love that when people see me, they are seeing ME. theres nothing more to it! Here i am world! bald! and starting to like it more and more. and loving Jesus more and more every second, because only he could make a situation like this, one of the best of my life. i am so thankful. i love living. and i can't wait to see where life goes, because i know that it will be an adventure. and thats just what Jesus does.    

please watch the whole thing

simple as that

processing life and poetry

and i wrote a poem i'd like to share:


the beauty
that hits you in the chest
knocks it right outta you
and it
blows up
your mind
it shakes your spirit
you
tell
tell 
tell
of the beauty
and you
think
think
think
on its essence
you put it in your pocket
shrink it down
to your size
hold it deep
in the crevices
of your brain
you clench it
in your tight fist
feel it on your fingers


and i wonder
why do we
amaze
tell
shrink
hold
think
about the heartbeat
of a body
that is HE?


why do we
let our spirit
wrap its tendril-like fingers
around a mere ray
from the light
that could
blow
our
world
and
shake
our spirit
until
we are
alive

oh i've dreamed dreams of majesty as brilliant as a billion stars but they're never bright enough

i don't know how to start off my thinking...

oh, life.

it has hit hard since my last post.

i have a lot to share but it is late as can be, so to sum it up:

 

^"1 I yell out to my God, I yell with all my might, I yell at the top of my lungs. He listens. 

 ^2-6 I found myself in trouble and went looking for my Lord; 
      my life was an open wound that wouldn't heal. 
   When friends said, "Everything will turn out all right," 
      I didn't believe a word they said. 
   I remember God—and shake my head. 
      I bow my head—then wring my hands. 
   I'm awake all night—not a wink of sleep; 
      I can't even say what's bothering me. 
   I go over the days one by one, 
      I ponder the years gone by. 
   I strum my lute all through the night, 
      wondering how to get my life together. 

 ^7-10 Will the Lord walk off and leave us for good? 
      Will he never smile again? 
   Is his love worn threadbare? 
      Has his salvation promise burned out? 
   Has God forgotten his manners? 
      Has he angrily stalked off and left us? 
   "Just my luck," I said. "The High God goes out of business 
      just the moment I need him." 

 ^11-12 Once again I'll go over what God has done, 
      lay out on the table the ancient wonders; 
   I'll ponder all the things you've accomplished, 
      and give a long, loving look at your acts. 

 ^13-15 O God! Your way is holy! 
      No god is great like God! 
   You're the God who makes things happen; 
      you showed everyone what you can do— 
   You pulled your people out of the worst kind of trouble, 
      rescued the children of Jacob and Joseph. 

 ^16-19 Ocean saw you in action, God, 
      saw you and trembled with fear; 
      Deep Ocean was scared to death. 
   Clouds belched buckets of rain, 
      Sky exploded with thunder, 
      your arrows flashing this way and that. 
   From Whirlwind came your thundering voice, 
      Lightning exposed the world, 
      Earth reeled and rocked. 
   You strode right through Ocean, 
      walked straight through roaring Ocean, 
      but nobody saw you come or go. 

 ²⁰ Hidden in the hands of Moses and Aaron, 
   You led your people like a flock of sheep."

-Psalm 77:1-20 (Message)

this is more true than the truth that the sun rises in the morning and sets in the evening. this is grace. 

ps, PLEASE!!!! click here to listen to "holy (after all)" by David Crowder *Band