Thursday, July 26, 2012
todo es gracia
every time i look at my surroundings in this place, i am thankful. every pot hole in the road, every hot day, every face of every human i encounter:
i'm not exaggerating. God has given me the gift of seeing the little things and big things and appreciating them all, without wasting the time away inside my head. even though these weeks have passed faster than i desire, i can look back and honestly say that i have enjoyed every moment and soaked them up for all they were worth. my motto for this trip so far has been "[love] every moment". this is because love is in every moment and i love every love filled moment that i'm in. i can't describe the beauty i have seen and felt and held and known. it's all grace.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Thursday, July 5, 2012
"goodbye is too good a word, babe, so i'll just say fare thee well"
the USA and eyebrows.
what do those two things have in common?
i'm saying goodbye to both of them.
on friday i will get on an airplane and go to Nicaragua once again.
i'm so blown away that i'm about to return to this place that has become my second home.
it's no small feat, either. it's only possible by grace. beautiful unbelievable grace that i have yet to fully understand. a few weeks ago a wonderful family friend put on a fundraiser for my family and i, incorporating my alopecia and the fact that i was going to be pursuing my passion for photography further than i ever had before. the entire day of the fundraiser leading up to the event i could not get my mind out of the never ending cycle of thoughts: "you are going to sing horribly, your photography is horrible, you are so prideful, you are not good enough, no one is going to come, you should be afraid of pleasing those who do come"...etc. then God showed up. as i sat in front of the room full of people who were there to support me, i couldn't help but feel love. not just love from them, but love for them. love was filling up all of the empty chairs and love was what exploded in my heart when my eyes met those of the people who came to support me that evening. to see a room full of human beings that cared enough to give up their thursday evenings to come and hear about my life and even enter into my journey in this world, it filled me.
everything went smoothly, and then people gave. they donated not just money, but prayers and hugs and smiles and knowledge and encouragement and dancing and laughing. i went home full of joy.
i could name a few special names, but i'll just say that some people gave tremendously more than i could have ever imagined or hoped or dreamed. well, everyone did. but there are a few human beings that gave me a pretty big glimpse of God's grace. i am able to be a photographer for Amigos For Christ this summer because of them.
and it's just not fair.
it's not fair that Jesus has chosen to give me His gifts of love and grace when i am so unworthy, it's not fair that i am not in need of material things in a world where i should be. the amount of gratitude i feel is inexpressible.
my gratitude is magnified because of what i am coming out of and going into. when i look back over the past few months i remember lots of pain. painful cries from a confused heart. i haven't been able to articulate what i've been going through. writing hasn't done any good, every comforting word from others has just sounded like Christianese. the cliche words of "God is using the situation you're in, don't worry!" became words that i tried to avoid. i didn't believe that God was doing anything with me, and every time i looked in the mirror it seemed to confirm my assumptions. my hair is completely gone, and my eyebrows are following. it used to embarrass me that i missed my eyebrows so much, but i've come to terms with my desire to have them back. it is so strange to suddenly lose the characteristics of your own face that you have known for your whole life. it is so strange to wash off your makeup a look down at your hands to see that you are shedding what has given you expression ever since you could feel. somedays i can simply blow it off, and see things in perspective. most days i am deeply saddened when i have to face the mirror. i don't understand it! it being what the purpose of my having this disease is. i have been waiting to write on here until i finally came up with the point of this, but i believe part of God giving us grace is that we must come to Him without answers and wait for Him and be still and know that He is God. so i am doing that. i am hanging on to the very strings of trust with all that i can, that's what i have strength for right now. it's not as easy as i thought it would be, but Jesus keeps on going and going and i have so much more to learn about Him. if you're reading this, i would ask that you would please pray that i could be healed. this could mean inside, where i am confused and angry and broken, or outside. but more than anything, i would ask that you would pray for God's will. for me to accept and rejoice and LOVE OTHERS in everything, and that i would not be bitter, because life is too beautiful for that. i hope that somehow when i am drawing on my eyebrows in the morning i can smile and be thankful for my life and what i do have.
i don't know a lot about my future or even my present, but God sees it all, and i'm gonna hold onto that.
what do those two things have in common?
i'm saying goodbye to both of them.
on friday i will get on an airplane and go to Nicaragua once again.
i'm so blown away that i'm about to return to this place that has become my second home.
it's no small feat, either. it's only possible by grace. beautiful unbelievable grace that i have yet to fully understand. a few weeks ago a wonderful family friend put on a fundraiser for my family and i, incorporating my alopecia and the fact that i was going to be pursuing my passion for photography further than i ever had before. the entire day of the fundraiser leading up to the event i could not get my mind out of the never ending cycle of thoughts: "you are going to sing horribly, your photography is horrible, you are so prideful, you are not good enough, no one is going to come, you should be afraid of pleasing those who do come"...etc. then God showed up. as i sat in front of the room full of people who were there to support me, i couldn't help but feel love. not just love from them, but love for them. love was filling up all of the empty chairs and love was what exploded in my heart when my eyes met those of the people who came to support me that evening. to see a room full of human beings that cared enough to give up their thursday evenings to come and hear about my life and even enter into my journey in this world, it filled me.
everything went smoothly, and then people gave. they donated not just money, but prayers and hugs and smiles and knowledge and encouragement and dancing and laughing. i went home full of joy.
i could name a few special names, but i'll just say that some people gave tremendously more than i could have ever imagined or hoped or dreamed. well, everyone did. but there are a few human beings that gave me a pretty big glimpse of God's grace. i am able to be a photographer for Amigos For Christ this summer because of them.
and it's just not fair.
it's not fair that Jesus has chosen to give me His gifts of love and grace when i am so unworthy, it's not fair that i am not in need of material things in a world where i should be. the amount of gratitude i feel is inexpressible.
my gratitude is magnified because of what i am coming out of and going into. when i look back over the past few months i remember lots of pain. painful cries from a confused heart. i haven't been able to articulate what i've been going through. writing hasn't done any good, every comforting word from others has just sounded like Christianese. the cliche words of "God is using the situation you're in, don't worry!" became words that i tried to avoid. i didn't believe that God was doing anything with me, and every time i looked in the mirror it seemed to confirm my assumptions. my hair is completely gone, and my eyebrows are following. it used to embarrass me that i missed my eyebrows so much, but i've come to terms with my desire to have them back. it is so strange to suddenly lose the characteristics of your own face that you have known for your whole life. it is so strange to wash off your makeup a look down at your hands to see that you are shedding what has given you expression ever since you could feel. somedays i can simply blow it off, and see things in perspective. most days i am deeply saddened when i have to face the mirror. i don't understand it! it being what the purpose of my having this disease is. i have been waiting to write on here until i finally came up with the point of this, but i believe part of God giving us grace is that we must come to Him without answers and wait for Him and be still and know that He is God. so i am doing that. i am hanging on to the very strings of trust with all that i can, that's what i have strength for right now. it's not as easy as i thought it would be, but Jesus keeps on going and going and i have so much more to learn about Him. if you're reading this, i would ask that you would please pray that i could be healed. this could mean inside, where i am confused and angry and broken, or outside. but more than anything, i would ask that you would pray for God's will. for me to accept and rejoice and LOVE OTHERS in everything, and that i would not be bitter, because life is too beautiful for that. i hope that somehow when i am drawing on my eyebrows in the morning i can smile and be thankful for my life and what i do have.
i don't know a lot about my future or even my present, but God sees it all, and i'm gonna hold onto that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)