back, again

i am back. not home, but back, yes. i am here in my house with my couch and my bed and my bathroom and my nice American things, my school and my job are close, and today i went to the grocery store and bought milk. it is painful. my feet are warm in slippers and i am wearing a comfortable sweatshirt but my soul hurts. i miss Nicaragua. when we touched ground in the US i could already feel my heart and mind becoming numb to the peace of The Lord as my mind began to race over the things i had to do and the people i had to see and the endless list of why i did not want to go back to my normal life. i cried almost the entire time we were in the seattle airport, watching the rain pour down and feeling the chill, right into my bones.
i'm currently reading a book called Kisses From Katie about a girl named Katie Davis who lives in Uganda and has 14 daughters. I won't go into details about her amazing life but you definitely should read about her here. Her book has caused me to learn how to trust God. not with the kind of trust that i give to my friends, family, peers. not even with the kind of trust that i trust my closest friends with. a new trust, believing that HE WILL and that HE DOES. He will fulfill the promises He makes in His word. He does know the desires of my heart and want joy for me. He is love. and i so often forget that love and joy go hand in hand. blessings don't always come in the way i want them to, and in my humanness, that makes me upset. but i forget that God's blessings for my life are endlessly better for me and will bring me endlessly more joy. I have learned to trust that this is true, the Lord has used Katie Davis in my life in that way.
so even here in the states, where i spend my time wishing to be back in Nicaragua, God is teaching me, blessing me, and bringing me joy. and as i learn to trust Him more and more, i see Him working, everywhere. 
 Before i know it, i will be back in Nicaragua, blown away by the faithfulness of God in knowing the desires of my heart. 

and i trust that to be true.