the USA and eyebrows.
what do those two things have in common?
i'm saying goodbye to both of them.
on friday i will get on an airplane and go to Nicaragua once again.
i'm so blown away that i'm about to return to this place that has become my second home.
it's no small feat, either. it's only possible by grace. beautiful unbelievable grace that i have yet to fully understand. a few weeks ago a wonderful family friend put on a fundraiser for my family and i, incorporating my alopecia and the fact that i was going to be pursuing my passion for photography further than i ever had before. the entire day of the fundraiser leading up to the event i could not get my mind out of the never ending cycle of thoughts: "you are going to sing horribly, your photography is horrible, you are so prideful, you are not good enough, no one is going to come, you should be afraid of pleasing those who do come"...etc. then God showed up. as i sat in front of the room full of people who were there to support me, i couldn't help but feel love. not just love from them, but love for them. love was filling up all of the empty chairs and love was what exploded in my heart when my eyes met those of the people who came to support me that evening. to see a room full of human beings that cared enough to give up their thursday evenings to come and hear about my life and even enter into my journey in this world, it filled me.
everything went smoothly, and then people gave. they donated not just money, but prayers and hugs and smiles and knowledge and encouragement and dancing and laughing. i went home full of joy.
i could name a few special names, but i'll just say that some people gave tremendously more than i could have ever imagined or hoped or dreamed. well, everyone did. but there are a few human beings that gave me a pretty big glimpse of God's grace. i am able to be a photographer for Amigos For Christ this summer because of them.
and it's just not fair.
it's not fair that Jesus has chosen to give me His gifts of love and grace when i am so unworthy, it's not fair that i am not in need of material things in a world where i should be. the amount of gratitude i feel is inexpressible.
my gratitude is magnified because of what i am coming out of and going into. when i look back over the past few months i remember lots of pain. painful cries from a confused heart. i haven't been able to articulate what i've been going through. writing hasn't done any good, every comforting word from others has just sounded like Christianese. the cliche words of "God is using the situation you're in, don't worry!" became words that i tried to avoid. i didn't believe that God was doing anything with me, and every time i looked in the mirror it seemed to confirm my assumptions. my hair is completely gone, and my eyebrows are following. it used to embarrass me that i missed my eyebrows so much, but i've come to terms with my desire to have them back. it is so strange to suddenly lose the characteristics of your own face that you have known for your whole life. it is so strange to wash off your makeup a look down at your hands to see that you are shedding what has given you expression ever since you could feel. somedays i can simply blow it off, and see things in perspective. most days i am deeply saddened when i have to face the mirror. i don't understand it! it being what the purpose of my having this disease is. i have been waiting to write on here until i finally came up with the point of this, but i believe part of God giving us grace is that we must come to Him without answers and wait for Him and be still and know that He is God. so i am doing that. i am hanging on to the very strings of trust with all that i can, that's what i have strength for right now. it's not as easy as i thought it would be, but Jesus keeps on going and going and i have so much more to learn about Him. if you're reading this, i would ask that you would please pray that i could be healed. this could mean inside, where i am confused and angry and broken, or outside. but more than anything, i would ask that you would pray for God's will. for me to accept and rejoice and LOVE OTHERS in everything, and that i would not be bitter, because life is too beautiful for that. i hope that somehow when i am drawing on my eyebrows in the morning i can smile and be thankful for my life and what i do have.
i don't know a lot about my future or even my present, but God sees it all, and i'm gonna hold onto that.
Beautiful Lennox . . . I have yet to comment on any of your blogs or your fb page, but today's post moves me to tell you what I have been thinking since I first learned of what you face (your gorgeous prom photos).
ReplyDeleteYou personify God's grace to me - I may just be seeing the calm, lovely swan floating on the lake while she is paddling like mad underneath - but your smile, your faith, your photos, your ability to continue to put one foot in front of the other all inspire me. I struggle with my own ability to trust in Him, to "Let go, let God" as everyone tells me, so your words resonate in my heart. I wish my faith was half as strong as yours. I say all this to encourage you to hang on with all you've got, to continue to put one foot in front of the other, to smile, to take your amazing photos, to just be the graceful swan you are even if you ARE paddling like mad underneath the surface. God will continue to give you the strength to paddle, and your graceful self will continue to inspire others.
I hope this makes a little bit of sense. I admire you. I pray for you all that you need to heal wholly and completely, inside and out. I look forward to seeing your photos from Nica and wish we were going to be there at the same time (I got back a couple of weeks ago).
You rock, Lennox. Never forget it!
You are a remarkable young woman and God has most certainly gifted you with His grace! The great thing is that He has tons of it to give and just keeps on dumpin it on us! I will pray for truck loads on you everyday :) Many people have been and will continue to be touched by your life. Even though that sounds cliche' and doesn't make your hair grow back, it makes the heart of God leap with joy! It gives others encouragement to keep putting one foot in front of the other and to trust God no matter what the circumstances look like. You are being used not just through your difficult health issue, but through your eyes that see beautiful things and captures them in photos. You are being used, not just because your voice is amazing, but because you sing for Him and want to give Him praise. We ALL struggle with pride and will until the day we see Him face to face. There's enough grace to cover that too! Always be kind to yourself and give your own self a break. Being needy and desperate can really stink, but it's exactly how God wants us to be and then He can use us the most! Being human and trusting are two of the toughest parts of this journey. God knows that too, and still has more grace to rain down on our fragile beings. You are loved.
ReplyDeleteYou amaze me!! Beautiful, girly.
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