todo es gracia

every time i look at my surroundings in this place, i am thankful. every pot hole in the road, every hot day, every face of every human i encounter:

 i'm not exaggerating. God has given me the gift of seeing the little things and big things and appreciating them all, without wasting the time away inside my head. even though these weeks have passed faster than i desire, i can look back and honestly say that i have enjoyed every moment and soaked them up for all they were worth. my motto for this trip so far has been "[love] every moment". this is because love is in every moment and i love every love filled moment that i'm in. i can't describe the beauty i have seen and felt and held and known. it's all grace. 

[love] every moment

Los Angeles Orphanage For The Disabled
     

"goodbye is too good a word, babe, so i'll just say fare thee well"

the USA and eyebrows.

what do those two things have in common?
i'm saying goodbye to both of them.

on friday i will get on an airplane and go to Nicaragua once again.
i'm so blown away that i'm about to return to this place that has become my second home.  
it's no small feat, either. it's only possible by grace. beautiful unbelievable grace that i have yet to fully understand. a few weeks ago a wonderful family friend put on a fundraiser for my family and i, incorporating my alopecia and the fact that i was going to be pursuing my passion for photography further than i ever had before. the entire day of the fundraiser leading up to the event i could not get my mind out of the never ending cycle of thoughts: "you are going to sing horribly, your photography is horrible, you are so prideful, you are not good enough, no one is going to come, you should be afraid of pleasing those who do come"...etc. then God showed up. as i sat in front of the room full of people who were there to support me, i couldn't help but feel love. not just love from them, but love for them. love was filling up all of the empty chairs and love was what exploded in my heart when my eyes met those of the people who came to support me that evening. to see a room full of human beings that cared enough to give up their thursday evenings to come and hear about my life and even enter into my journey in this world, it filled me.
everything went smoothly, and then people gave. they donated not just money, but prayers and hugs and smiles and knowledge and encouragement and dancing and laughing. i went home full of joy.
i could name a few special names, but i'll just say that some people gave tremendously more than i could have ever imagined or hoped or dreamed. well, everyone did. but there are a few human beings that gave me a pretty big glimpse of God's grace. i am able to be a photographer for Amigos For Christ this summer because of them.
and it's just not fair.
it's not fair that Jesus has chosen to give me His gifts of love and grace when i am so unworthy, it's not fair that i am not in need of material things in a world where i should be. the amount of gratitude i feel is inexpressible.

my gratitude is magnified because of what i am coming out of and going into. when i look back over the past few months i remember lots of pain. painful cries from a confused heart. i haven't been able to articulate what i've been going through. writing hasn't done any good, every comforting word from others has just sounded like Christianese. the cliche words of "God is using the situation you're in, don't worry!" became words that i tried to avoid. i didn't believe that God was doing anything with me, and every time i looked in the mirror it seemed to confirm my assumptions. my hair is completely gone, and my eyebrows are following. it used to embarrass me that i missed my eyebrows so much, but i've come to terms with my desire to have them back. it is so strange to suddenly lose the characteristics of your own face that you have known for your whole life. it is so strange to wash off your makeup a look down at your hands to see that you are shedding what has given you expression ever since you could feel. somedays i can simply blow it off, and see things in perspective. most days i am deeply saddened when i have to face the mirror. i don't understand it! it being what the purpose of my having this disease is. i have been waiting to write on here until i finally came up with the point of this, but i believe part of God giving us grace is that we must come to Him without answers and wait for Him and be still and know that He is God. so i am doing that. i am hanging on to the very strings of trust with all that i can, that's what i have strength for right now. it's not as easy as i thought it would be, but Jesus keeps on going and going and i have so much more to learn about Him. if you're reading this, i would ask that you would please pray that i could be healed. this could mean inside, where i am confused and angry and broken, or outside. but more than anything, i would ask that you would pray for God's will. for me to accept and rejoice and LOVE OTHERS in everything, and that i would not be bitter, because life is too beautiful for that. i hope that somehow when i am drawing on my eyebrows in the morning i can smile and be thankful for my life and what i do have.

i don't know a lot about my future or even my present, but God sees it all, and i'm gonna hold onto that.

needed this

God's Plan | Get Up With God

But wait, oh wait See how the morning breaks

Garden by Noah Gundersen

need some wonderment?

first click here, then click the video below










now, listen and feel awe.

Ben Howard

current favorite artist. absolutely stunningly beautiful.

fear not

"i look out the window, the birds are composing
not a note is out of tune or out of place
i walk to the meadow, and stare at the flowers,
better dressed than any girl on her wedding day
so why do i worry? why do i freak out? God knows what i need."

-your love is strong by jon foreman

what if i actually took this to heart everyday?

what if every time i was afraid, i sang this song?

i am so afraid. i am so human.

what if i lose all my hair?

what if i look ugly to everyone around me?

these are the questions that course through my mind everyday.

these are the thoughts that i think when i sit back and analyze what i am questioning:

1)how selfish

2)it says in the bible:

"i look up to the mountains; does my strength come from the mountains? no, my strength comes from God, who made heaven, and earth, and mountains." psalm 121:1-2

how could i forget this?

please, if you are reading this, don't let yourself get to a place where you forget the truth that even if you lose all you own, all you know, all you are, you will NOT lose the love of the one who is all you need.

human-ness is nothing in the light of who Jesus Christ is.

do not be afraid.

"Light, space, zest— that's God! So, with him on my side I'm fearless, afraid of no one and nothing." Psalm 27 (MSG)

 

 

the weekly shave

currently, this is how i feel about buzzing my head. happiness : )

home

click the play button please


today, i went with my youth group to go prepare and serve hot food for the homeless under the freeway in downtown Seattle. i had to wake up early, brave the cold, and spend the entire day on my feet (wow, go me). as i looked into the eyes of each human that walked through the line, greeting them with a timid but as friendly as possible "hi, how are you? would you like some chicken pot pie?" i got hit, i mean hit, with Jesus telling me "these are Mine, these are My people, I hold them". i've volunteered at a homeless shelter before, but i'd never honestly taken the time to wonder about stories, look in their eyes, pay attention to God's identity for them. they are His like i am His, like you are His.

i shivered in the cold and thought about shivering with the knowledge that i would keep shivering. i thought about knowing i wouldn't get to go eat at Red Robin afterwards or knowing i wouldn't get to go home afterwards. i couldn't fathom it. i couldn't fathom those cold nights with absolutely no food in my belly or warmth in my heart, never mind my body.

yet, tomorrow we reflect on the day that Christ went to the cross. i can almost audibly hear His voice echoing through the space below the freeway. i can see it shaking the homeless, and all the rest, the heartless, the broken, i can see it physically shaking the ground, causing forks to drop from hands and eyes to turn up from warm food. i can hear Him commanding to our human hearts "you are MINE". and that is what happened when He spread out His arms and hung from a tree. we are not homeless, not any of us, we are not broken, not in the light of His love. 


i can imagine laying out my blanket on the cold ground for the night, and falling down into a heap on the ground. i can imagine closing my eyes, curling up, letting the cold take over my body, and then i can imagine a sudden pang in my soul. just where i last felt emptiness, i can imagine the voice of Jesus telling me that i am His.
and we don't have to imagine it.
listen.



in a cold world, where homelessness is real, where brokenness is common, where pain is the daily deal, "we can know what love is because Jesus Christ gave his life for us." (1 John 3:16)


at the foot of the cross
we
find
home.